Misinformation

All about "thingies"

November 2005

Your Question

Our Response

Wow, lots of questions in there. There are no men available in the All-Lies.com offices at the moment to answer this question, but my guess is that you couldn't trust an answer coming from a man on this question anyway.

So, let's take a look at your questions one at a time:

Is it true that men's things are related to shoe size?

No. If it were true, that might explain the instinctive fear many people have of clowns, but it isn't. So far as medical statisticians have been able to determine, the only reliable correlation is between thingy size (TS) and overall desirability as a life partner. Unfortunately, it's an inverse relationship.

Is it true that the size of a thing does not enhance the sexual experience for the woman?

Seeking expert advice on the link between small size and potential female sexual enjoyment, we e-mailed Rhea Pearlman. Her answer, that size didn't make a difference if the guy knows what he's doing, was written "between the lines" of the resulting restraining and cease-and-desist orders.

Is it true that a woman can only accommodate but so much and anything more is just a nuisance?

Yes -- the limit is three, after which it's just too crowded.

I have heard that some men teach women that 12 inches is as long as their thingies. If so, this explains why women have such a hard time estimating distance. Do you think this is true or is this just more misinformation?

Hundreds of years ago, an inch was the length of a man's thumb, a yard was the distance from the tip of the nose to the thumb of an extended arm, and a foot was, as surmise, a variable. These definitions are no longer used, largely due to lawsuits arising from quality checking in the manufacture of foot-long hotdogs (you don't want to know).

I am also curious about the "bulges" in men's pants. I have heard that some men stick socks in their pants to look bigger.

I have been assured that men use socks in this location to keep things warm and that no deception is intended. Foil-wrapped cucumbers may also be stored in this area, but only as part of an artistic tradition among rock musicians and must be removed before going to an airport.

Does this mean if a man has a noticeable bulge that it could be fake? Is there a way to figure this out before you waste a lot of money buying him drinks?

No matter whether there is any deception going on, it is always a waste of money for a woman to buy a man drinks. The point of buying someone drinks is to get them to relax and perhaps agree to something they wouldn't agree to otherwise. Women don't need to do this, because there really isn't anything you'd ask from a guy in a bar that he'd say no to. However, later in the relationship, you may need to get him liquored up to get him to do the laundry, the dishes, etc.

And what about men touching themselves in public? Is it true that a man just needs to adjust his thing from one side to the other or do you think he might really have crabs or crotch rot?

The general consensus is that men who touch themselves in public are either a) rappers, b) Michael Jackson, or c) lepers.

Now what about races? I have heard that some races have bigger thingies than others. Is this true?

We're not sure exactly what you mean here. You definitely can see some very large thingies at horse races, if that's what you're getting at, but it won't do you much good unless you're one of those "Catherine the Great" types.

I am really perplexed about all this. If I am Caucasian, 5' 7" tall, 130 pounds, Victoria Secret pantie size 6, with a shoe size 7, what would be the best match for me?

A man with Brad Pitt's looks, Bill Gates' money, and a puppy's sense of loyalty. This is, in fact, the best match for most women. If you want a larger variety of mates who really understand your needs, you might consider lesbianism.

If I decide to do on line dating, do you think I should specify anything about shoe size or race for my match?

Our dating expert Anna Smith tells us that if you're looking for long-term happiness, the top things to ask about before accepting a date online are liquid assets and medical condition. The industry standard for calculating a man's value is current assets divided by projected remaining years of life. You may want to consult an actuary before committing to a first date.

If you're just looking for a wild naked fling, don't worry about it. Just pick a guy who looks good, treats you nice, and has had a recent (within the last few days) certification of complete health by a board of qualified physicians, and go for it!

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