Mutant Teacher

September 2005

Your Question

Hi alllies people!!! I love your site. I like the disney one too. anyway i don't have any good urban legends, but last year everyone kept saying that our ugly history teacher used to be a model, but then she got hit by a bus. They also say her house is underground and she killed her husband, who wouldn't accept her with her new hideousness after the accident. i was like, "so you're saying after she was hideously mutilated by a freak bus accident, she killed her husband and moved underground to live among the mole people, hiding her face from the world, emerging only to teach middle school history?" they said , "yeah, basically."

I find it a little hard to believe though, since I don't think bus accidents can give you a bad haircut, or make your breasts hang down to your waist. Plus, I don't think schools allow spouse-killing hunchbacked mole-people to teach middle school history. Although judging from the state of these public schools--my old school was delayed 2 weeks because it had mold, and I still haven't figured out if the high school has bathrooms, windows, or where you get the lunch--maybe they do.

Our Response

Your question, though interesting, is full of bad assumptions. Let's run through them one at a time:

  1. A bus accident can certainly give you a bad haircut, particularly if you are not wearing a helmet. In addition, there are many types of head trauma that can cause one to desire bad haircuts (usually a type of mullet) on a permanent basis.
  2. All types of vehicular accident, including skateboard collisions, can result in extreme sagging breasts if certain conditions exist and physical therapy is not immediately sought. It's a little-recognized national tragedy.
  3. The Americans with Disabilities act specifically states that employers may not discriminate on the basis of criminal history, physical deformity, or a rodent-like living preference.

And answering your final question -- we checked on your school and found that the one room with windows is the bathroom, and that's where you get your lunch. We recommend homeschooling.

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