Soda Cans of Death
Submitted in April 2005
CANS OF DEATH
A horrible thing happened in Texas, but people everywhere need to be careful. A woman went boating and brought several cans of soda with her. The next day, she was taken to the emergency room and two days after that she died. It turns out that she caught Leptospirone (a high-strength mutant version of leprosy) from a can of soda. She had drunk her Coke right out of the can without using a glass or a straw, and tests showed that she had been infected by dried rat urine!
Rat urine is as toxic and deadly as a swollen rotting corpse, and it's everywhere. Rat feces is even worse, and it can turn into a pervasive deadly powder that settles on everything. That's why you should wipe off soda cans before you drink from them, or even better wash them with Lava soap and a 50/50 solution of water and bleach then leave them in germ-killing high-intensity ultraviolet light for at least an hour before drinking from them, using a glass, of course..
Inconvenient, sure, but not as inconvenient as getting Leptospirone and watching your body rot away over the course of a few agonizing days.
A study in New York (where they know all about rat urine) showed that the tops of soda cans are more contaminated than public toilets in a park where homeless people swarm. They are full of germs and bacteria. And you wouldn't drink from a public toilet, would you? Well, would you?
FOR ALL THOSE THAT DRINK STRAIGHT FROM THE CAN.
Don't do it! It's disgusting and you can catch a disease. Don't let your dog do it, either.
A guy who worked as a stock clerk in a store on Maui noticed that the storeroom was really dirty and that there were dried rat droppings all over the place. One day he thought he was coming down with the flu so he went to the hospital. They told him that he had been bitten by a rat and that he had contracted lycanthropy and would turn into a werewolf or wererat or something the next time there was a full moon.
A couple of days later tests came in and showed that he actually had come down with Hanta virus that was spread by all of the dust from rat droppings he had inhaled (not on purpose) at his job. By then his eyes were bleeding and his internal organs were failing, but he felt pretty good that he wasn't a werewolf.
He died two days later. And you'll die too if you breath any of the dust that is on products from stores. Try wearing a particle mask at all times. It could save your life.
Behind the Legend
Rat droppings and urine are among the ten most deadly substances on earth (after certain poisons, acids, and "new Coke"). Why? Because rats are malevolent little creatures created by the forces of evil to torment us, that's why.
This is not to say that public toilets are gardens in the springtime, but they are estimated to only be fatal 89% of the time, as compared with rat urine's 97%.
Because rats and mice are so pervasive, and because American culture does not allow us to go after them with the chemical weapons and napalm that they deserve, you may most easily avoid the diseases these creatures carry by staying at home and not eating anything you didn't grow yourself.